


Martin Freeman Poetry Anthology

by GluntTuck



Category: Black Panther (2018), British Actor RPF, Sherlock (TV), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Gen, hebibongo, leap to hebibongo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-05-19 09:19:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 56
Words: 2,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14871041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GluntTuck/pseuds/GluntTuck
Summary: All poems Martin Freeman! Inviting to enjoy truly a lot of words! Enjoy the leap to hebibongo!





	1. Martin Freeman Contemplates Getting a Tattoo

I would like to be a humorous and trendy guy.  
Maybe I should get a tattoo?  
But what picture?  
Which part of my body?  
Maybe on my biceps, an anchor!  
Maybe MAMI in a big heart.  
Or maybe a finger pointing to my tummy button  
and RIGHT-CLICK.  
Much decision!  
I’ll ask a psychiatrist and see what’s going to happen.


	2. Martin Freeman Has Strawberry Jam On His Nose

Look at the magic pretty lady outside!  
I am going to run out the rubbish and talk to her.  
“Hello, madam, that’s a beautiful day!”  
Victory! She smiled at me!  
I think she might think I’m a trendy guy!  
Oh shit. Fuck! Strawberry jam on my nose!


	3. Martin Freeman Reheats Leftovers on the Stove

Fear of the microwave disturbs my sleep.  
It can delaminate teeth,  
as evidenced by science.  
This stove makes the surplus hot.  
I do as my ancestors did.  
Leftover lentil stew.  
Leftover salted cabbage.  
Leftover fruit cocktail from a can.  
How bleak life can be!


	4. Martin Freeman Reads the Newspaper

I.

Rogue! Spendthrift! Douchebag! Criminal!  
Have you seen such a thing?  
It is a rubber duck the size of a big boat!  
Damn it! Wow! I’m surprised! The modern world is amazing! 

II.

“This Mini Dwarf Pony May Barely Walk”  
What does the headline mean in today’s words?  
Is the pony small as a cat?  
Does it fly without being able to walk?


	5. Martin Freeman Attempts a Self-Portrait for His LiveJournal

There is a way to take a picture over the phone.  
I read it in the Google.  
If I hold it in front of the mirror?  
Too flashy! I look like the drunk demon of a baby on the tubeway.  
Again, with a soft lamp under my chin.  
Shit! Does the cat vomit again?  
Try again and I will do it perfectly.  
Hahaha!  
I am Señor Sex Marmot!


	6. Martin Freeman Tries “Uncle Farmer Rafi’s Bizarre Tooth Perfection Powder”

Here is a new product to try!  
This is “Uncle Farmer Rafi’s Bizarre Tooth Perfection Powder.”  
My teeth are almost perfect.  
If they are perfect perfect, my life will shine like the sun!  
Prove this, Uncle Farmer Rafi! or be a lying bastard.  
This is a kind of embarrassing feeling, just like lightning in my mouth …  
Like the taste of summer - strawberries, squid, mysticism.  
Is my tooth perfect now?  
God! It’s like my heaven in my mouth!  
I am invincible!


	7. Martin Freeman Gets an Illegible Postcard From Co-Star Benedict Cumberbatch

Oh, hey! That rascal!  
This is a postcard from Bratislava.  
He is on vacation there with his dogs.  
Photograph is of a cannonball in a building.  
What is he saying?  
“Dear Martin Freeman,”  
What do you think these words are?  
“Did you ask a dog to write in toothpaste for a fiver?”  
Makes no sense!  
“Best wishes,  
“Benedict Cumberbatch, your colleague.”  
What the fuck?  
Is he high on something?  
I never know!


	8. Martin Freeman Puts Away the Groceries

Thank God, it’s already done.  
The grocery store gave me the jim jams, the whiskey dick, and the fits.  
I’ll put these in the refrigerator:  
ostrich egg  
grapefruit  
drought and flood  
marmot  
pancake  
I’ll put these in the cupboard:  
ghost tea  
tea for man  
buns  
slightly large biscuits  
rum  
Now I’m ready for anything!


	9. Martin Freeman Speaks Into Echo-Filled Public Pissoir and Pretends to Be Morgan Freeman Narrating His (Martin Freeman’s) Biography

Martin Freeman was born in a small hut in Wales in 1965.  
The only child. His chest became weak from swamp fumes.  
His father was a baron in dacha next door. His mother was a sword witch of the wetlands.  
Baron returned to Minsk.  
Mother in wetlands sells death and likes drinks  
Send your boy to Eton.  
Next to Oxford.  
Martin is angry! Fuck Oxford!  
He will go up and become a truck driver.  
But acting is more expensive.  
Instead, he does that.  
This is Morgan Freeman. Thank you. Good night.


	10. Martin Freeman Makes a List of Oaths and Insults for Use When Killing Guys in Movies

1, You portion of a squamous chest!  
2\. It’s wild! A sandwich full of bones!  
3\. Do you call this a battle? I will call it “blee blee blee bloop!”  
4\. Scrum, you cannot encrypt spam!


	11. Martin Freeman Reads a Script Aloud to the Neighbor’s Dog

Stop that dust bath! Listen, dog!  
Scene: the asteroid.  
I will play the role of Vladimir, c'est bon?  
Vladimir is a baker.  
He runs a little boulangerie.  
His chimney cake is the best!  
But Vladimir kills a magic guy.  
It’s an elf!  
Why, Vladimir? Why did you kill him?  
Now this is Vladimir’s words:  
“Oh, I killed and put a dead guy in a chimney cake!  
"This is my famous case now!  
"Hahaha!”  
How stupid! Is Sweeney Todd again!


	12. Martin Freeman Writes the Shopping List

1\. Vampire (forbidden!)  
2\. New milk is not corrupted  
3\. Spider polish  
4\. Clean cloth for clinging  
5\. Paper bag  
6\. Bubble gum to capture dog  
7\. Yoghurt  
8\. Oxygenated pretzels  
9\. Famous brand of turtle


	13. Martin Freeman Enjoys a Glass of Milk

English village poetry morning  
I see birds and shepherds of birds  
Watch a dog eating a squirrel  
I feel the wind of a passing freight train  
I will drink milk this day  
I will drink milk

It will refresh me

I will explain it in a sort of journal that hurts all hearts  
A journal of milk and beauty and milk

Look at my lips touch the edge of the glass  
So sensual  
It is very perfect  
I will keep this attitude

I will hold this pose

An English countryside is more beautiful with me   
A glass of milk is more beautiful with me

Holy shit of fish on crackers fucking goddess of shit fucking grandma’s idiot stupid fuck shit shit shit shit sour fucking god damn dead rotten milk


	14. Martin Freeman Irons His Socks

Socks must be colorful  
and neatly pressed in due course.  
I am beautiful!  
Hey there, boy bob, wow!  
Purely buzzing in checkered socks.  
Life gives me rewards of dancing  
equality the wind!


	15. A Jumping Ghost Spills Tea on Martin Freeman’s Clean Rug and Refuses to Apologize

Jumping ghosts are clumsy -  
Like a fool, jumping with a full cup of tea!  
There are too many black tea stains.  
Damn, my carpet!  
Do you know how much money to clean?  
Is not sorry for it.  
Now I hate ghosts too much.  
Some necromancers!


	16. Martin Freeman Fistfights the Squid He Found In His Garden

Blow!  
Bread!  
Come!  
Strength!  
Take it. You are squid.  
You were not invited  
to this private garden.  
Damn it, man!  
Rascal! Scandal! Larval!


	17. Martin Freeman Throws Out That Sonofabitch Broken Reading Lamp

The stupid guy ruined the damn damn lamp!  
I am tired of your playfulness!  
  
You are not an antique.  
I bought you at Tesco.  
Fuck your fucking damned broken bastard fuck fuck self!

Rubbish bin is your new house!  
What the hell are you, a bad traitor?


	18. Martin Freeman Fights Criminal! (Dedicated to Tom of Finland R.I.P. Mister)

The world is burning!  
Oh no! My shirt is still in the clothes dryer!  
I have to go to fight the crimes.  
A stranger man put garbage in my bin!  
Malicious personnel!  
This will not be retained!  
My muscle is bigger than you.  
I will stab your heart with milk beads big like daggers!  
Are you afraid like a small snail peeing?  
I thought so!  
I won this fight.  
I’m waiting for buzzer on clothes dryer, so I can wear a shirt …


	19. Under the Influence of Cold Medicine, Martin Freeman Phones an Order (For Delivery) of Most Expensive Pancake

What do you mean   
with Brussolaria’s most expensive brinz?   
Sweetheart Betty sweats the green   
to bring a bower and bleach.   
Every glo-bang run seems to be wonderful.  
The most expensive pancake event!


	20. Martin Freeman’s Pussy Cleans the Vomit

Hey cat, why are you vomiting?  
Did eat grass?  
You bastard!  
Milk will make your belly like a hero.  
Do you want to stop?  
These days, paper towels are in short supply.  
Bad cat!  
No other puke!


	21. Martin Freeman Holds the Line for Paper Towels (with Ration Coupons)

Awful day!  
Rain, thunder, motorcycles!  
Let me down the line in front of you, Madam?  
I’m famous.  
I am adorable.  
I have a sweet heart.  
No?  
Okay.  
I wait as a citizen.  
Hell is a scaly puke cat!


	22. Martin Freeman Obsessively Dusts His Bowling Trophies

Look at me!  
My pride is on my mantle-piece.  
I led my league to victory!  
Bowling, bowling - bowling like a god!  
I can not afford for these trophies to get dusty.  
All my guests envy me.  
I win everything!


	23. Watermark On Martin Freeman’s Crotch Area

watermark on my crotch!  
will washing wash out?  
they all look there.  
hey! go, watermark!  
can I now have privacy?


	24. Martin Freeman is Constipated at BAFTA

Red paper or red carpet?  
His log was jammed.  
Prison, Prison, Do Not Get Out!  
What should I do? This is very painful!  
Mom, I want a laxative.  
Rascal! Take a picture of my bloody face!


	25. Martin Freeman Practices His Monologue In A New Action Film

Hey, bad guy! Listen to me.

(No. Wait. I will say it bigger. Also, American accent.)

HEY, BAD GUY! LISTEN TO ME!  
I have to tell you what to do.  
You killed my partner first.  
Now you gonna kill me.  
But surprises coming for you!  
The banana we gave you is full of poison!  
Soon your skin becomes salt.  
Your spit will fall out of your mouth.  
The dandelion comes from your nostrils.  
Handcuffs!  
That’s true, man!  
You’re going to jail!


	26. Martin Freeman Receives a Mysterious and Romantic Parcel in the Post

What is this?  
This is a parcel.  
Who sends it?  
I do not have a reply destination.  
Hash, dog!  
No bark.  
You need to pay attention.  
Damned paper-cut!  
Bleeding over the parcel!  
Oho!  
This is a soft toy!  
“Hello Kitty Embraces Your Heart!”  
Small notes included:  
“Dear Mr. Martin Freeman,  
“I love you.  
“Love,  
“Anonymous”  
How funny! I am crying!


	27. Martin Freeman Feeds the Cat “Uncle Farmer Rafi’s Vomit-Proof Minced Squid”

I open this tin of cat food.  
Cat comes running.   
Look here, cat … this is “Uncle Farmer Rafi’s Vomit-Proof Minced Squid.”  
You will eat it and not vomit  
or else Uncle Farmer Rafi is a lying bastard!  
Here, rogue  
I have put it in your cat bowl  
Now only time will tell.  
Fuck! Cat won’t eat it!


	28. Martin Freeman’s Upcoming Cinema Roles

Martin Freeman stars as the father of Captain Mike  
in “Owl of Captain Mike Stealing a Lady“

Martin Freeman stars as “ordinary crying guy”  
in “Touching Buster In Branson”

Martin Freeman stars as Sr, Xavier Duluth of Zagreb  
in “Church Is Not An Auction House”

Martin Freeman stars as Scummy  
in “Soul’s Soil Master”


	29. Martin Freeman Reads Tarot

When I asked her for coffee, would that magical cute woman say yes?  
This covers me:  
Queen of Wines  
It’s the magical cute woman!  
This crosses me:  
Moonbeam  
Neighbor’s dog, maybe?  
This is under me:  
Five Crabs  
A long time ago, I must have been poor.  
This is through me:  
Three Swine  
Pain and sadness  
This may come to be:  
The Married People!  
This will come to be:  
Death?  
Fuck this shit. I fucking hate tarot cards.


	30. Martin Freeman Dislikes Rainy Sundays

Wake up!  
What do you see?  
Alarm clock, water glass, vampire teeth.  
Sit up!  
What do you feel?  
Cold floor, cold air, cold light.  
Get up!  
What do you hear?  
Cat pukes, dog screams, rain smacks.  
Why are you up?  
What can you do?  
Drink tea.  
Go back to bed.


	31. Martin Freeman Says Fuck the Megastar Boogiebabies

I am a beatnik  
I have got a beret  
I stick it to the Man  
Ha ha, Man!  
Fuck the megastar boogiebabies!  
Snap my fingers  
Cigarette and absinthe  
Yeah


	32. Martin Freeman Is a Bad Fatherfucker (Shut Your Mouth)

Is it Fathers Day

or Fathers' Day

or Father's Day?

Fuck.

I do not know any more.


	33. Martin Freeman Buys an 8-Track Tape at a Jumble Sale, Thinking It Is a Small VHS Tape

Look at this VHS tape!  
Smaller than usual.  
But small things fit bigger things.  
I think he will play.  
“Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Heart Club Band”  
Starring BeeGees and Peter Frampton!  
Only sixpence?  
My heart is excited about the fun luxury!


	34. Martin Freeman Drops a Tab of LSD

I want to release a star.  
Timothy is my hero.  
Let it be hot!  
Watch the sound!  
Listen to the colors!  
Feel the taste!  
Try meat!  
The scent of my feet!  
Wait a minute  
I feel like a rebel.  
Better


	35. Martin Freeman, High as Fuck, Believes He Finds a Duck in a Basket on His Doorstep

What is this infant duck?  
Why is it wrapped in a blanket?  
The blanket is ambiguous and yellow  
Like a fur.  
Lord God Almighty, why did You leave   
A duck?   
In a blanket?  
In a basket?


	36. "Martin Freeman Is In A Sex-Band With Me!"

What’s on the internet today?  
“Martin Freeman Is In A Sex-Band With Me!”

Do they mean me or a different Martin Freeman?  
I need to read.

Oh! My picture!  
Wow!

Damn it!  
I am not in a sex-band.

But this girl pretends I am!  
And so the internet is a finer world!


	37. Martin Freeman Recites a Short Soliloquy from the Hip New Production of “Measure For Measure”

You fucking puzzle-puncher!  
I’m telling you from my hair,  
You can put the rubber in your own damned seat.  
Spy! Especially the ghosts!  
Go fuck your hand!


	38. Martin Freeman Writes a Poem to a Neighbor to Soften the Blow of Informing Said Neighbor that His Rubbish Bin Stinks

The smell of rotten fish  
And a big hill of wilted cabbage?  
Please fill the alley between our gardens with air!  
  
Rubbish odor,  
Why are you here?  
My nose is sensitive.  
  
Perfect for gifts -  
fresh air.  
Night, evil person!


	39. Martin Freeman is Goddump Depressed

Fuck you, life.  
The acting parts that come in for me?  
Mr. Janitor #2  
Passer-By at Drug Store  
Small Bird Singing  
Flirtatious Lovely Monk  
What the fuck is that?  
I am really ready for a major breakthrough in my career!  
Damn it, man!  
Showbiz is bad.


	40. Martin Freeman Is Confused By the Internet’s Misperceptions of His Species

Of course, all the world!  
I am a person!  
Hedgehog is a pic only!  
Not really me!


	41. Insects Send the Hidden Message to Martin Freeman

What did you say, bee?  
Your dance is “med”  
A terrible thing … “Sports madness!”  
Smoking is a pioneer.  
“Old oatmeal”, says a fly.  
Ladybug with bright wings  
That will tell you the rise in the price of butter.  
What a rich world of insects!


	42. Martin Freeman Interview Series, Issue no. 1: What is the Role of Your First Acting?

When I was a very young lad  
I played Silly Little Drunk Fellow 3  
In the swamp-church production  
of famous musical play,  
“Sail Along with Sinbad, Mechagodzilla!”  
It was my first shame taste  
Because I peed trousers on stage.  
Still, I knew at that time  
To become a great actor was for me!


	43. Martin Freeman Auditions for the Role of Elihu Root in Theodore Roosevelt Biopic

I have a chin dimple and frowning forehead.  
With fake nose and prosthetic mustache, I look like him!  
My American accent is perfect.  
“Cawnsawrn eet, Teddeee!  
I am zee Secruhtary of Stayte,  
not zee Secruhtary of Wah!”  
What? Did not get role?  
Robbed!


	44. Elihu Root Dreams of One Day Being Played by Martin Freeman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: Because of authentic American accent is best to read it out loud!

Cawnsawrn eet, Mawmaw!  
I ken I em a feemus attawrney.  
Suhm day I may be  
Zee Secruhtary of Wah!  
Meester Mahtin Freemahn  
Wud be good to play me  
On the stage, dontchur thank?  
Good God Awmightuh!


	45. Martin Freeman Is Confused By Today’s Headlines

A Wise Device to Help the Priest to Pee  
Nights in an Insane Metric System Cult  
Sea Gulls Whisper to Platypus - What is their Secret?  
Stubborn Fat Removes Team of Doctors  
B-Roll B-Movies

Damn it, man! I am confused!


	46. Martin Freeman Wakes Up from a Nightmare

We are too poor.  
Except for paper and giant bees,   
We should have nothing to eat.  
Nadnaravni Kunić!  
She turned our child into a rabbit!  
I have to wake up so  
My wife can  
make coffee.  
But I wake up.  
I have no wife.  
There is no coffee.


	47. Martin Freeman Finds Strawberry Jam in an Unexpected Place

Damn it, man!  
The light goes out again!  
I can’t see my chick photo.  
I will fetch a new bulb  
From the broom closet.  
Wow! what is this?  
Half a jar of strawberry jam?  
I want to know why I put it here.  
This is a secret!


	48. Martin Freeman Fails to Write a Coherent Limerick

“There once was an actor named Martin.  
“A man with a comb, he was partin’  
“When he found his root  
“He lost in his lignus.  
“You’d think part of Martin is drunk.”


	49. Drunk as Fuck, Martin Freeman Writes a Personals Ad

Are you a good wife?  
Be careful!  
I support girls.  
I mean, to fork.  
Ha ha ha get it?  
Tablet icons are  
Gold.  
Glue!  
Glue is cool!


	50. Martin Freeman Finds a Tentacle in the Teapot

Holy Fuck!  
That despicable ghost!  
Never mischief me, man!  
Tentacles in the teapot?  
Is that fun?  
Ghost, I hire an exorcist  
If you do not stop with a silly joke!


	51. Martin Freeman Finds a Crawler on His Toothbrush

What is this fur creature  
Forgotten in loneliness -  
Orange, black, orange  
Predicting heavy winter?  
Did old mint tempt you  
to taste these bristles?  
Cute caterpillar  
I can’t satisfy you.  
To the trash.  
New toothbrush to be placed on the purchase list.


	52. Martin Freeman is Going to Punch Somebody in the Balls If the Goddamn Phone Doesn't Stop Ringing

Ring ring!  
I will answer the call.  
The other end is silent.  
Haha, it’s so funny!  
“Hey, damn it!  
If you were here, I’d punch you in your balls! ”  
Ring ring!  
I will never have peace!


	53. If Godman's Line is Busy, Martin Freeman Will Wipe Out the Human Beings

I’ll wiggle your bones!  
The cookie story will talk  
And the ants and the gobies are drunk.  
  
Heaven is real! Look at this!  
  
Have you forgiven the sweater because of the wrong color?  
Every time is a perfect nose!


	54. In the Bath Tub, Martin Freeman Sings the Hot New Hit that is Sweeping the Nation

Everybody do the Body Grump  
Everybody do the Body Grump  
It doesn’t matter if you stump or clump  
Just everybody do the Body Grump


	55. Martin Freeman Mistakenly Purchases a Coffee Enema

“Coffee Enigma!”  
That sounds trendy and hip.  
I will buy it to impress the clerk.  
She is young, cute …many tattoos.  
Hey, she’s smiling!  
Why she -  
Damn it!  
It is a coffee enema!


	56. Martin Freeman Turns 47

Today is my birthday  
47 years.  
Who will take care of it?  
Just a cup of tea to wait.

Hang on! What is this surprise?  
That’s my agent!  
And the sweet magical girl!  
The puking cat  
And screaming dog!  
Hopping ghost and  
Squid comes in peace.

They sing for me.  
“Happy Birthday!”  
Now I’m getting upset for joy!


End file.
